Tips to co-construct antidote (3) Via thickening preferences (#1)

Aim or sub-task           Guiding questions
Identify a relational preference (preferred relational understanding such as preferred emotions, capacities, behaviours, attitudes, intentions, identities, ways of relating). You said your child was very upset, and I thought you wanted to say that wasn’t right for you, is that a fair statement? According to you, the bad thing about it is getting upset, losing control, or something else? (To ‘bearer’ of problem) what is it that you value about being upset? Does it give you strength? Does it help you express something you are unable to express with words sometimes? Does it help you to express something you find unfair? When would you say the ‘upset’ helps you, and when does it turn into a “bad thing”, because makes you do things you do not feel proud of doing?   Some parents sometimes want to help their children to learn self-control… is that important to you? Some parents want to help their children to make good decisions for their lives…is that important to you? Did you ever noticed something that would get close to such ability/learning?  
Characterize the preference How would you call this? (e.g., “self-control”; “inner control”; “assertiveness”; “promoting autonomy”; “respecting others’ rights”). Does your child know that you are interested in promoting her…. (e.g., autonomy)? When have you seen her exercising autonomy (or “inner control”) to some degree? How would you know that she is getting more autonomy? Have you met people who make good, autonomous decisions, commit and take responsibility for their decisions, etc? Who is better at home at exercising inner control? Second best? Third?  
Bring forth powerful inspirations (e.g., utility, goodness, beauty, or other “good reasons”). Would you say there’s something ‘ugly’ about “lack of self-control”? if so, can you tell me more about that? Why would you say autonomy is somewhat desirable? Admirable perhaps? Why is it useful? What has life taught you about the importance of “self-control”? Where did you learn that from? What would happen immediately in your relationship with your child if they decided appreciating and welcoming your willingness for her to gain more autonomy? What would happen after a year? After 10 years?  
Track ongoing changes in relation to preference Who has gotten better at (supporting) self-control at home? Who has noticed some difference in your child’s “inner control” in the last year? In the last month? How have you noticed that?   How long are these ‘meltdown episodes’ now? From 1 to 10, how intense are they now? How frequent? What does ‘patience’ do to “outer control”? (When unhelpful interaction is being enacted in session: does nagging help you? What else helps you?)  
Plan, do, and consolidate   What else are you going to do to Support/exercise inner control? Do you have a plan? How would you practice your “autonomy muscles”? Who may have some other ideas? What do these changes tell about what the relationship between you is becoming? What are you becoming into?

Tips to co-construct antidote (2) Via exception (#1)

Aim or sub-task           Guiding questions
Formulate a hypothetical solution Imagine this issue of ‘blowing up’ solved out, what would be different? What would you see different? What would you hear different? What would you think/feel different? How would you respond or do different?
Identify critical factors in hypothetical solution   What did you do that helped solving out this problem? When the problem solved out, how did you respond? When you responded like that, what did you observe as an effect? How others responded to your response?
Identify an exception to the problem When have you been able to resist engaging in exercising ‘outer control’, and opened space for ‘inner control’ to take place? Have you ever resisted to engage in exercising outer control? What did you notice when you did? What was different?  
Amplify exception in the present   How did you did that (exception)? How else did you empowered yourself and didn’t let outer control manage you? How did you manage not to surrender to the anxiety that came up for you when you saw your child was…? Where did you learn that? What did you do to get ready or prepare to make that step in that occasion? What other personal resources did you rely on to make this step?   What did you notice different in the relationship with your child when you did that (exception)? What did you notice different in yourself? What did other members of your family noticed? Who was the first in noticing the difference? Who was the second? Third? How did others respond? How did you feel when they did that? How did the rest of your day go after this happened? What did you notice later?
Co-create a new future When you act upon these ideas, what difference will it make for you? What difference will it make about how you feel about the episode? About yourself? When you feel like that, what will be easier to do from that mindset/mood/state of mind/stance etc.? How will this orient you towards a new direction in your life? While you continue going in this preferred direction, how will your new future be different from your old future?
Formulate a step by step plan Would you be interested in working (with your parents) to figure out new ways to (expand solutions/resist problems)? Who else could we recruit as part of your supporting team? How could they help with this? What could their contributions be?   What difference does it make for your next steps knowing that you were capable of resisting the temptation this time? What ideas does this success give you about what your next step could be? How will you know that your next step was successful? How else would you like to restrict the power that “outer control” may have in your family?

Tips to co-construct antidote (1) Via unique outcome (#1)

Aim or sub-task           Guiding questions
Explore unique outcomes Have you ever seen your child showing self-control? Has she ever decided to control him/herself instead of losing it? Has he ever decided to do something different other than melting down? Has she ever done something different to avoid getting to a place where melting down seems unavoidable?   What did you do in that occasion, which helped her to control herself? What did you do right after, when you noticed she was putting herself together? How did your child respond when you did that? If by exploring this episode in depth we could learn something about your capacity to foster inner control in your child, would you be interested in doing that?  
Internalize personal agency You mentioned that you did something different on that occasion, how did you do that? How did you manage to abstain from attempting to control her behavior, and tried instead opening space so that he could control himself? Was there anything different that you thought or felt that made you stronger, so that you could respond differently?
Link personal agency with personal resources or skills Where did you learn that? What does this skill or ability tell about yourself as a person?
Recruit a supporting team Who could help you to make good decisions? Who could help you to help? If ‘blowing up’ was taking control over you, what could your dad do to help you get stronger? Who could help your dad help you? Who else could help you?
Inquire about future effects of unique outcome   If you had further opportunities to support your child’s inner control in the next few days/weeks, what do you think would happen to the problem? Would its presence (or power to influence your relationship with your daughter) increase or decrease? What difference would this make for you?

Tips for co-building “cooperation” (via extraordinary event)

Objective Guide questions
Explore extraordinary events Was there ever a cooperating child? Have you ever decided Cooperate? What did you do right after, when you noticed that she was self-control? How did she respond when you did that? What did you do that time, that allowed her to exercise self-control? If by exploring this episode in depth, we could learn something about your ability to foster cooperation, would you be interested?
Internalize personal agency You said you did something different that time, how did you do it? How you were able to stop the autopilot (p. for example, refrain from shouting that were going to do what you asked), and try a more communication mode effective, for her to take initiative or be a cooperator? Was there anything distinguishing that you thought or observed or felt that made you stronger, as to do something different than usual?
Connect with the person’s skills Where Learned? What does it say of you this skill, and been able to respond differently? What kind of the person are you?
Recruit a support team Who could help you facilitate cooperation/be more cooperative? Who could help you help? If you is gaining the out of control What can your dad do? Who more could help you? Who more could help them? Who could I help your dad help you?
Inquire of the event extraordinary to the future If your dad wanted to train patience, how would you notice he’s making an effort? How would you respond to his effort? If you had your mom, I’d have a better chance of ask you for some things calmly, what do you think would happen to the problem? How much would your presence and influence decrease in the relationship with your dad? What would this mean for you? And for you?

Tips for co-constructing cooperation (via thickening preferences)

Objective Guide questions
Identify a practice as a favorite (e.g., connoting it as preferred in relation to a “problematic” one) Note: “practice” can be a behavior, emotion, ability, attitude, intent, idea, identity, or any other “reality” signified as very important in a person’s relational life) Do you think there is a difference between giving orders/commanding/forcing and asking calmly? How can you tell when you are giving an order/commanding/forcing and when you are asking things calmly? You said that your son was very angry and that he was “wrong”; Is that so? According to you, What’s wrong with getting angry in situations like that? Not taking an initiative to collaborate? Not taking others into consideration? Demanding rights without any Obligations? Something else? Do you like anger because it gives you “strength”? does it help you express that you don’t like being bossed around? Do you like being autonomous, being able to show that if you weren’t commanded you would do things by yourself? There’s parents who want to help their children learn to take responsibilities (or to control themselves; or to respect others; or Is that something important to you? When have you noticed glimpses of these learnings?
Characterize preference How would you call that? Does your daughter know that you’re interested in promoting your “capacity to cooperate”? How would you know that she’s being more cooperative? Do you know someone who is cooperative? When Have you seen her exercise any degree of cooperation? Who is the best in the house to cooperate? Second best? The third one?…
Discover inspirations or reasons (e.g., utility, kindness, beauty). Why do you find it “ugly” not to cooperate? Why do you find it admirable to cooperate? How does it serve you? What has life taught you about the importance of being cooperative? Where Did you learn that? What would happen immediately in your relationship with your daughter if she decided to value and accept your willingness for her to develop cooperation skills? What would happen after a year? after 10 years?
Notice (changes in) preference status Who has made any improvement in “cooperation” in the house? Have you noticed any difference in your daughter’s cooperation in the last year? in the last month? How did you find out? How long do out-of-control episode last in response to requests? from 1 to 10, how much would you say…? What does patience do to the yelling impulse when dealing with non-cooperative behaviors? Does reprimands help you to cooperate? What else helps you?
Plan act and consolidate What (else) will you do to support/exercise cooperation? Do you have a plan? How Will you practice your cooperation muscles? What do these changes say about your relationship? What/Who are you becoming?